*What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
*Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a
heart attack & our driver ran away.
*A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children,
'Are all these kids yours??'
The man replies,
'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints'.
* A young boy asks his Dad,
'What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says,
'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is
also my son, that's confidential .
* Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :
'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends'.
* A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,
' send me a brother'
Santa wrote back,
' SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'
*What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
*Husband asks:
'Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Every-time
Wife replies,
' No, It means, With Idiot For Ever !!!'
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Bar Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Handsaw
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
CEO
AMS, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO and he was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy at the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and Replied, "I make about $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and Screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" The guy left without saying a word to the CEO.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery Guy from Domino's."
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy at the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and Replied, "I make about $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and Screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" The guy left without saying a word to the CEO.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery Guy from Domino's."
Holy Water
A Newfie, Mainlander, and a Chinese man went to a priest and asked him if they all could drink from the holy water. The priest said "You can, but only if you do something bad and come back and prove it, will you be aloud to drink the holy water."
So, 1st the Mainlander came back, soaked in blood. The priest asked, "What did you do?"
The Mainlander said "I killed a man." The priest let him drink from the holy water.
2nd the Chinese man left, and came back with an arm full of money. The priest asked "What did you do?"
"I robed a bank," he said. The priest let him drink from the holy water.
3rd the Newfie walked up just like was. The priest asked, "Now, what did you do?"
The Newfie started laughing and said "I pissed in the holy water."
So, 1st the Mainlander came back, soaked in blood. The priest asked, "What did you do?"
The Mainlander said "I killed a man." The priest let him drink from the holy water.
2nd the Chinese man left, and came back with an arm full of money. The priest asked "What did you do?"
"I robed a bank," he said. The priest let him drink from the holy water.
3rd the Newfie walked up just like was. The priest asked, "Now, what did you do?"
The Newfie started laughing and said "I pissed in the holy water."
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