Lost

I don't understand life anymore. I don't know why people are always blaming me for EVERYTHING. I don't do it all. I try to be happy. I try but it never works. Oh well. I give up. I give up on happiness. I give up dreams. I just give up. I am lost. I feel like I am spiraling down and I will keep going. ALWAYS!!!! I try. Is that not good enough? What the hell? What did I do to deserve everything that life has given me. So here it is out right.

I am sorry. I am sorry Andrew for apparently being bitch (when I was just stating the facts). I am sorry Karen for causing you grief. I am sorry Mom for being so depressed and keeping thing from you. I am sorry Cara for not being able to be your big sister. I am sorry Jared for the same. I am sorry Mr. Joe that I guess I was rude to you. I am sorry Brittany for not always be there for you when you needed me. I am sorry Becky for not being there for you also and always leaning my problems on you when you have enough of your own. I am sorry Kelsey for not being your shoulder to cry on. I am sorry Mike for being a bad daughter. I am sorry Jason for being a horrible sister. I am sorry Heather for not listening to you. I am sorry Matthew and Hope for leaving. I am sorry Matt for not being a happy girlfriend and if I am causing you any grief. I am sorry Jason T. for calling you to cheer me up. I am sorry I try to move on and forget my past. I am sorry that I believed I could be loved. I am sorry. I am sorry for it all and more.

I HATE PEOPLE

Yeah I said it. I mean it too. And I don't mean everyday people I mean specific people. You probably know who I am talking about if you know me. How do I know if everything you said was the truth? I believe you are lying to me about it all. You never loved me. You never planned to love me. You don't want me as a friend. You don't want to tell the truth. I bet you every word that comes out of your mouth has been a fucking lie. I was wrong about you and I guess I always have been. Fuck you. And news for your new girlfriend. If she thinks I am after you I am not. I don't want you back and I never will. Been there done that don't want it back. And again I say FUCK YOU!!!!!

Okay yeah I wrote this. The person I wrote this about read it and flipped. But I was angry. Oh well. People write things when they are angry. I never said names. So there. And the thing about the girlfriend. The FU was to her personally. I hate chicks like that. I try to be friends with someone even though I may be angry about what they did to me and then that chick has to go and be a bitch to me. That fucking pisses me off to no end. I don't get it. I don't understand any of this. I guess I was just too fucked up for him to handle. Oh well. His lose I say.

Unpredictable - Skye Sweetnam

When everyday is the same old routine
People change it up and you've been nice to me

I don't like to blend in with the croud
I don't like to be quite I like it loud
I'm spontaneous, delirious and all between
Live like there's no tomorrow
Know what I mean

I hate when things are simple and so plain
Don't wanna be the same
Cause I'm unpredictable, unpredictable
I like when things are crazy and insane
Don't wanna be tame
Cause I'm unpredictable, unpredictable

I can't stand to be understandable
I can't control that I am uncontrolable
Don't be so uptight
Just let it go
Do the unexpected or you'll never know

I hate when things are simple and so plain
Don't wanna be the same
Cause I'm unpredictable, unpredictable
I like when things are crazy and insane
Don't wanna be tam
Cause I'm unpredictable, unpredictable
(Don't wanna be the same)
(Don't wanna be tame)

I like when things are crazy and insane
Don't wanna be tame
And I hate when things are boring and undamed
And I know, I know, I don't want it to be the same

I hate when things are simple and so plain
Don't wanna be the same
Cause I'm unpredictable, unpredictable
I like when things are crazy and insane
Don't wanna be tame
Cause I'm unpredictable, unpredictable

Billy S- Skye Sweetnam

Wake up tired, Monday mornings suck,
It's way too early to catch a bus,
Why conform without a fuss,
Daddy Daddy, no, I don't wanna go to school, woo!

I don't need to read Billy Shakespeare,
Meet Juliet or Malvolio,
Feel for once what it's like to rebel now,
I wanna break out, let's go!

Teachers treat us all like clones,
Sit up straight, take off your headphones,
I don't blame them, they get paid,
Money money, woo, lot's of money money, woo!

I don't need to read Billy Shakespeare,
Meet Juliet or Malvolio,
Feel for once what it's like to rebel now,
I wanna break out, let's go!

Get out, get out, get out, get out, woo!
Get out, get out, get out, get out!
To skip or not to skip? that is the question.
Get out, get out, get out, get out, woo!
Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out,
Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out!

I don't need to read Billy Shakespeare,
Meet Juliet or Malvolio,
Feel for once what it's like to rebel now,
I wanna break out, let's go!

I don't need to read Billy Shakespeare,
Meet Juliet or Malvolio,
Feel for once what it's like to rebel now,
I wanna break out, let's go!

Get out, get out, get out, get out, woo!
Get out, get out, get out, get out, woo!
Feel for once what it's like to rebel now,
I wanna break out, let's go!

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out!

When I Close My Eyes

You no longer are here
but you still control my life
I close my eyes and see your face
I dream only nightmares
You ruined my life
Made me believe that I could be happy
You only caused me more pain
You don't deserve the life you live
Plagueing my every thought
Happiness is becoming just a dream
I have a muse now and a love
But you keep me from seeing
You keep me from feeling
I no longer wish you to be here
But you haunt me like a ghost from my past
What did I do to deserve this
Your hands torture me the same way
When I close my eyes
I hear my screams
I see your face
Trying to close the door to the past
Like smoke it covers all around me
Each tear a reminder
Every breath a fight not to surrender
Throat cloes up
All goes black
Screaming inside
When I close my eyes
Can I believe this is real
Don't understand why
Haunted, plagued, and tortured
Everyday a battle to be won
You no longer are here
But you still control my life

Dream

I turn to see your smile
But it's been stolen from me
In its place is emptiness
No laughter
No tears
You are not even there
I search to find you
And only lose myself
Screams escape into the cold
White smoke from my breath all I can see
I long for you to be near
I am lost without you
What has changed to make this so
I never wanted to let you go
You are my soul
Shadows swallow me whole
Tears cover my face
Without you here
Save me from this solitude
Prove your existence
or was it all a dream?

Hmmm.....True Happiness

True happiness. I have finally discovered what that really means. It means having the love of your life by your side through the ups and the downs of everyday. It means having a best friend no a sister that is there for you and understands what makes you happy and what makes you sad and even what makes you just seem mellow to the world. It means family that is there for you every step of the way even though the choices you make may be hard on them too. It means best friends that tell you how much they love you and can make you laugh even when you are miles and miles apart. It means becoming part of someone else's family and them welcoming you with open arms. True Happiness. It means having a brother that has your back and is there to protect you even when you only stub your toe. It means having a mother that loves you and holds you close and you can still feel those arms tight around you when you seems like you are an eternity apart. It means a nephew that tells you he loves you and understands that you will be coming home and you love him just as much. It means a niece that can put a smile on your face and let you understand part of what makes life worth living. True happiness. It means a step father that no matter how tough things got and even when he yelled you still knew that some where in there he does love you. It means gaining a new sister that loves you and looks up to you. It means gaining a another brother who sees you as another person that he can hangout with and he can trust. It means another person that you can look up to like a mom but you know will never replace your own mom and she doesn't want to. It means a new dad that accepts you for who you are and doesn't ask questions. True happiness. It means realizing that having a father wasn't something you needed in order to succeed in life and that all along you had someone that wanted to fill that place. It means that you grow up and know that life has it twists and turns but there will always be people that have your back. It means discovering a new life but keeping the people from the old one close to your heart and never letting go. It means love. True happiness. I realize now that I was close to having all of these things but I never realized them until I left them behind. In reality though I never left them they are in my heart and a few are still here with me. I miss everyone but I know they understand. I have discovered what true happiness is I only hope that someday everyone else will.

Keep Going

I am screaming inside for someone to set me free
I turn around to see you but all I get are whispers
You are part of me as I am a part of you
Every passing moment terror crosses my mind
I know that soon it will be ok and peace I will find
I am loved by you and nothing else matters
I love you my sister for being there to catch me
I love you my friend for being there to listen
I love you my mother for holding me closely
I love you my brother for making me strong
I love you my family for supporting my every step
I love you my love for teaching me everything will be ok
I listen with my heart and speak with my mind
I know that there is no turning back but there is still time
Looking forward with every step every motion of the day
The screaming is becoming a whispers
And now I see your face
You are honesty and trust
You are truth and you are love
You are the very air that I breathe
The very essence of my soul
You are a part of me as I am a part of you
The whispers turned to silence
Your face I hold in my hands
I know that I can keep going
And I will because you have given me the chance