Scared

Have you ever been so scared of something that just thinking about it makes your stomach churn. I am so scared that I am going to screw things up once again in life and another thing that I hold dear will be ripped from me. I love Andrew with all of my heart and someday I want to make a life with him. I am living with him and his family now and everything is great. The thing that he doesn't know is that every night when he leaves to go to work I cry. I don't cry because I miss every one. Of course yeah I miss them but that isn't something to cry about that is a choice I made and I believe so far that I have made the best choice for me. I am so incredibly scared that I will fuck this up and I'm going to do something wrong. I don't know what exactly because I would never intentionally hurt anyone but I just have this fear down inside of me. Maybe he'll get tired of me being around, maybe I'll whine too much, maybe his family will end up hating me (I don't know how but maybe) I don't know the possibilities are endless. Yeah I know this is probably the stupidest thing to be upset about but I can't help it. I love him. More than I have loved anything else in life. He is funny, handsome, nice, everything you could wish for in a man and then some. I know I'm stupid you can say it but I had to get that off of my chest.

There For You- Flyleaf

Sometimes I'm selfish fake
You're always a true friend
And I don't deserve you
'Cause I'm not there for you
Please forgive me again

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your eyes
Sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry, cry

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you

'Cause I hear the whispered words
In your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
The love runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you

North Carolina

Okay so I finally moved to NC to live with the love of my life Andrew. This is one of the greatest things I have ever done. I feel so complete and so happy. There is no mistake made this time. *knock on wood* I miss everyone back home of course but life is great here other than that. It is so peaceful and quaint. Andrew and I do great together as a couple too. The only problem I really have is that I get disappointed or depressed when he has to leave to go to work. I love him so much and it is a great feeling to sleep in the comforting arms of the one that you love. I did get kinda upset today though because he went to the fire station and I told him not to be too long because we were watching a movie together and I was enjoying sitting in his arms but yeah, he took FOREVER. Yeah no big deal but it was the first time since I came down here that we have actually had US time and then it got taken away because as soon as he got home he had to go to work. Needless to say I am a wee bit more depressed tonight than the other nights but oh well no big I still love him and he did apologize. I just want some me and him time just for like one day or one night or BOTH!!!! Oh well I love him and this is something that I'll have to handle because he is of course a fire fighter.

Broken - Seether Feat. Amy Lee

I wanted you to know that
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away...
I keep your photograph and
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain


Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away


You gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain


Cause I’m broken when I'm open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

~Instrumental~

Cause I’m broken when I'm open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away...

~Shorter Instrumental~

Cause I’m Broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone...


You gone away, you don’t feel me here anymore

You Tear Down My Walls

You tear down my walls
You feel what I feel
When my eyes fill with tears you do the same
When my face smiles happy I see your grin
I reach out to be with you
But life pulls me away
You are my best friend
Friends to the end
You’ve known me through heart break
Stood by me through pain
You are more than my friend
You my sister to the end
I will never leave your side
When you cry I will hold you close
When you laugh I will join
When you hate life I’ll tell you why it’s so good
I keep pushing you to move forward
When you want to go back
You're my sister
You're myself
You're my best friend
And there's nobody else

Swallow- Emilie Autumn

I'll tell the truth: all of my songs
Are pretty much the *@!%ing same
I'm not a faerie but I see
More than this life so I became
This creature representing more to you
Than just another girl
And if I had a chance to change my mind
I wouldn't for the world
Twenty years
Sinking slowly
Can I trust you
But I don't want to

I will swallow
If it will help my sea level go down
But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown
I will swallow
If it will help my sea level go down
I'll take a deep deep breath
But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown

I don't want to be a legend
Oh well that's a god damned lie - I do
To say I do this for the people
I admit is hardly true
You tell me everything's all right
As though it's something you've been through
You think this torment is romantic
Well it's not except to you
Twenty years
Sinking slowly
Can I trust you
But I don't want to

I will swallow
If it will help my sea level go down
But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown
I will swallow
If it will help my sea level go down
I'll take a deep deep breath
But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown

Low tide and high tea
The oysters are waiting for me
If I'm not there on time
I'll send my emissary
If I photoshop you
Out of every picture I could
Go quietly quiet
But would that do any good
Will it hurt? No it won't
Then what am I so afraid of
Filthy victorians
They made me what I'm made of
The brighter the light
The darker the shadow
I don't need a minder
I've made up my mind
Go away

Twenty years
Sinking slowly
Can I trust you
But I don't want to

I will swallow
If it will help my sea level go down
But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown
I will swallow
If it will help my sea level go down
I'll take a deep deep breath
But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown

If You Still Believe - Elsa Raven

This song plays in the beginning of a PS1 game called Legend of Dragoon. It's a very beautiful song.

I had a dream that I could fly
I can feel each moment as time goes by
We'd never be too far away,
You would always be here, I heard you say

I never thought
Thought that it would be our last goodbye
(our last goodbye.)
I still can dream
That one day love will fall out from the sky

Do you still remember all the time that has gone by?
(do you believe?)
Do you still believe that love can fall out from the sky?
If from where you're standing, you can see the sky above
I'll be waiting for you, if you still believe in love
(do you still believe?)

Find a way to bring back yesterday
Find a way to love
I hope we stay
When tomorrow becomes today
Love will find a way

I'll be waiting for you, in my heart you are the one
If I cannot find you, I will look up to the sun
(do you believe, do you believe?)
If from where you're standing, you can see the sky above
I'll be waiting for you, if you still believe in love

Do you believe?
Do you believe?

Do you still remember all the time that has gone by?
Do you still believe that love can fall out from the sky?
If from where you're standing, you can see the sky above
(do you believe?)
I'll be waiting for you, if you still believe in love

Do you believe?

When You Live -Damone

all the lost kisses
and runaway tears
can't fix what your good mom and dad
have been saving in pictures
for all of these years
and it's sad...

everything fades to black
yeah

all your selfish friends
play their monologue games
and mock everything that i am.
but i don't let it face me
'cause they're all the same
don't be one of them.

'cause the lights
will go down on your show
and as the scenes roll by...
there's something i wanted to say to you:

[chorus:]
when you live, live with your soul
not with your time.
when you love, love with your heart.
not with your mind.
when you want to be something the world can define,
open up your eyes.

accidents happen,
and confidence fails.
but that's not what i'm trying to say.
there this look in your eyes
that's been killing me here
for days...

so as the night drags on,
there's this i've been meaning to say to you:

[chorus]

you can't fake it here
you can't fake it here
you can try all you want
but you'll break in here.
you can laugh it off.
tell your friends i'm soft.
you can cry, you can scream
but i'll brush it off.
you're not listening
you're not listening to
anything i'm trying to say.

[chorus x's 2]

you can't fake it here
open up your eyes
open up your eyes

Life!!!!!

Okay so I am so totally tired of all the BS that has been happening lately I just want to break down a cry my eyes out until I've cried so much no more tears will come. The moment that my life starts looking up everything else has to turn to shit. I have the greatest best friend in the world and the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. I plan on moving to North Carolina to live with him in less than 3 weeks. I was so happy just having him back in my life but actually living with him it's like a miracle or something. Anyway, I was actually totally and complete happy for the only time in my life except when I was a probably a baby. Childhood fucking sucked because I was scared of who might be right around the corner to lay their fucking hands on me next. To top it all off his family is awesome. I've only met then twice and I feel as though they are my family too. So life is going great or at least it was. Well my mom found out about the whole moving down there thing. Fine and dandy I wanted her to know. She gets pissed so now things between my mom and me are kinda no not kinda really stressful. As if that wasn't bad enough she started smoking again claiming I was the reason. WTF? I am not gonna take the blame for her killing herself. Well, that was some time ago so anyway Heather starts bitching about having to find another babysitter. Hello, the state pays me, they will pay someone else. So anyway yesterday I got to see my friend bobbie whom I haven't seen in 2 month so we decide to hang out. Her father flips out on her saying that he had to come home from work because her sister said she went missing. I felt bad because I thought she had gotten in trouble for climbing on the cliff. This made me feel even worse. Well before that Andrew's parents bought me minutes for my phone, all fine and dandy I suppose but I felt so special because my parents would never do anything like that. The way that they treat me makes me feel more wanted by them than I ever have by my own parents. It seems like lately too that my mom has begun to act like my step father the jerk that he is and Mike is all nice to me. As though my mom thinks that that will make me stay. I'm not staying. I could be in the best situation here and still leave because I want to be with Andrew. Yeah, it sucks because I am leaving my friends, it really sucks but if they are truely my friends I know they will understand and be happy that I am happy well will be happy. Oh and the icing on the cake. My sleeping pattern has been sucking lately, my whole body aches from head to toe and my stomache hurts. Anyway this is a thank you to every that is helping me through this rough spot right now. Thanks Brittany. Thanks Kelsey, even though I haven't talked to you in a while being your friend still helps. Thanks Andrew. Thanks to Hope and Matthew. Thanks Mrs. Karen and Mr. Joe. Thanks Cara. Thanks Jared. Thanks Becky. And anyone else I forgot thanks for being there and always being by my side. So here's my birthday wish: I want my mom to be happy that I am happy for once in my life.