Dead But Alive

Can you feel dead when you are technically alive. DAMN IT! I wrote this last night:

"I have told myself over and over again, that I would not allow myself to think thoughts of doubt and pain, but as every moment passes constant reminders emerge everywhere. At one moment I could cry while the next rage washes over all. I know that every male isn't the same as the others, and I believe that I have found the most caring, considerate, compassionate, and loving one of them all. All of me screams that he will be the one, the only, while something screams along reminding me of the past. I could never grow to hate anyone but the ways that I have been treated make me weary of what to do. Trust used to be a natural action but now my trust is wearing thin. I know that I can't trust him*(*not stating names), he has been by my side through all of the bad times and the good. When he left my heart was broken for he created laughter within my world of sorrow. I could cry but the tears are of fear and love. I am so happy that I have found such a guy as him, that can and will treat me with respect and love. There isn't any man that I think that could be better. Sigh. There is a nagging in the back of my mind, in my soul, telling me that the same thing could happen but I know deep within that that will never happen. Not with him* not him. It makes me feel even worse that I treated him so badly in the 9^th grade, I have apologized but I don't think that that is enough. I don't think I deserve such a great guy but he chose me and it has put a smile on my face."

After I wrote this last night I called his cell and a girl told me that he didn't want to date me anymore. He had just asked me out on Sunday and was so happy and now this. Well, tonight I finally got to talk to him and he said that he has lost his phone and someone had played a cruel trick, but he said he was sorry but he thinks he rushed things, he needed to get his life straight. I just said ok and that I understood but I wish he had known that no matter what I would have been by his side. FUCK!! This is the fourth time that my heart has been broken I one month, this is getting to be too much. I feel as though the whole world has gone black. I love him though so I will wait as long as it takes, I'm not losing him again. This is going to be hard but we will make it through!