I Wanna Go Home

Have you ever sat there and thought? Just thought deeply about everything that is happening around you? Everyone that is a part of your life? Have you ever been sitting in your bedroom thinking, "I wanna go home," and then you realize you don't have a home anymore. You have no where to run to when you want to get away from the world. No more family to hold you close when you feel like you need to be protected. I know that I have Becky and Matt and the rest of my friends but that's not what I mean. Yes, they are my family but not my true BLOOD. The people that I have been with since the moment I was born. I'm sitting in my bedroom about to move in with Matt in a few weeks and thinking, where did it go wrong? Was it when my father left me 18-19 years ago? Was it when my mom got together with Mike? Was it when I moved? Was it when I got into high school? Was it when I lost my virginity? Was it when I was diagnosed with double depression? Was it when I graduated? Was it when I turned 18? Was it when I moved to NC for a month? Was it when mom left Mike? Was it when mom got together with Jimmy? I honestly can't tell you when I lost my family or my home and I can't tell you if I will ever get them back.

I wanna go home.

Growing up my family was my mom, my brother and I. Yes, of course there was my Aunt Linda and my cousin Jess, and my grandparents. These were the people you would see maybe once a week, twice if you were lucky and usually only on the weekends. My mom and my brother where all I had and all I ever needed. My best friends and my protectors. Yeah, of course when I was little my brother would pick on me but I knew that he would always be there to watch over me. The same thing was thought about my mom. I never really had a "dad" in my life. Yeah, there was Mike but I never liked the way he treated us. He would yell and scream and I grew up hating it.

Anyway back to the reason for writing this. In a couple of weeks my mom is leaving me, for good. She is going to travel with her new boyfriend and I am going to move in with mine. I want to live with him it's just I have to give up so much for it. I lose my mom, my place, my privacy, and now I just found out probably my cat. My mom doesn't see how much this is hurting me and I honestly don't think that she cares. And I'm just gonna say it and if you care don't say anything to me about it. This whole situation has draw me and my mom apart. I barely speak to her, she has become an alcoholic, and I'm being forced to my whits end. This whole predicament is making me want to end it all, right now, no questions asked. Ok, before anyone begins to say anything about that, I'm NOT going to do anything. I just feel like it. I won't though.

>screams< I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

But there is no home for me now......